Ventilation #1

Knowing and Feeling

Some days I feel so alone, like no one will ever understand me or even come close to thinking about the things I think about, this is a problem we all have or have had at some point, but I pray and work on it everyday, because I believe its that difference between, knowing and feeling, that drives some people to commit suicide.  The past few years have been tough on me mentally-shoot, tough period.  Emotional ups and downs, financial issues, things I wish never happened, being a real-life "good luck chuck" (lol some other day man) but that's all apart of life.  For the longest time I've struggled with this knowing and feeling thing, I believe its natural, but, it should only effect you to an extent. To know you have people who do love you, are always looking out for you, not trying to hurt you, just want nothing more but for you to be happy, is an amazing thing, but if you don't feel it? its the worse, I've sat in the dark some nights and told myself, "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy".  To feel so alone, and not loved by anyone, including God (or whomever you worship), to feel so empty man, its...exactly that, empty, and that usually follows with thoughts of suicide, death etc.  Its a powerful thing, and if handled improperly....well you know the possible endings.  At one point, it was so bad for me, where, I just wanted to be a mute, check into an asylum, stay in my room forever, never saying a word to anybody, and I still have my days when I'm like that, it'll consume you, to the point of no return. There's almost this, hypnosis feel to it with me sometimes, like I'll be chilling in the dark, dead to the world, and someone will hit me up with a problem or wanting to talk and I'll just snap right out of it.  I'm thankful I have the ability to push my issues and problems aside to help someone deal with theirs, I wish that feeling could be more mutual though.  I'm gonna continue to try and do better and really appreciate the people who support me and the ones who really show how much they love me, I know they see the change in me, and they don't like it, I don't like it either, I'd be lying if I said some of the changes that have happened over the past few years seem to be for the better, but its like, a double edged sword man, you have to pick your poison.  I let myself roll down the hill, now I gotta attempt to, stop rolling turn around, get my ish straight, and go back uphill, it's gonna be tough, the way things are going I don't think I can even make it back up, but I'm trying.