In a perfect world....In my mind

That L word (not lesbian...pervert) used to excite me before I fell in it.  Was always so mysterious, saw nothing but hope when I heard it, said it, saw it, felt it.  Now, its almost the exact opposite.  Hopeless, fearful, its just scary...even when I say it to my closest friends, it doesn't roll off the tongue (or off the fingers) the way it used to.  I think I've turned into a typical man when it comes to that word and all it holds.

Damaged from a couple failed relationships here and there, heart breaks from a few friends, disappointments, abandonment.  I'm not blaming anyone, in the end its all my fault, but all of it, has taken a toll on me.  I just want to be alone.  I used to want to get married, have a big family, the whole nine...now, I'll settle for a puppy.  I was always one of those people, that no matter what people did to me, I didn't let it discourage me, I wouldn't let it change me, but one year, it just all came on too heavy, one after another.  It's depressing.  I have a theory, not really a theory, just, a cool idea (aka a theory).

I consider myself to be a good person, for the most part.  Ever since I was little, I always dreamed of meeting that one girl, having a big family, and growing old with her...this is not an average dream for a kid, or even a young adult in high school.  In my mind, in a perfect world, I feel like, genuinely good people, shouldn't have to unnecessarily suffer through life lessons just to obtain certain goals or things they want in life.  I know what it sounds (looks) like, but hear (read?) me out.

We humans tend to look over a lot of little things in life, we're also very hard headed, we have a natural knack for wanting to find out things the hard way, but, there are some people, believe it or not, who just....get it.  We know who these people are, the ones who have shoveled so much crap in their lives, yet they remain positive, continue to watch out for people, continue to work hard to make things happen in their own lives, always appreciative, and they continue to set examples for others, by their way of life, yet...one bad thing after another continues to happen to em', and you want nothing more but for that person to be happy.  Meanwhile.  You have people who are just genuinely not nice at all, you know who they are, the ones who continue to make bad life choices yet they never seem to get punished for it, seems like the punishment falls on the genuinely nice people....I believe we call that a Whipping Boy.  I feel like I've learned unnecessary lessons in my life, like things that have happened that almost make no sense, like, you don't take a car away from someone who gets on their knees every night and morning to thank God for transportation, you take a car away from the selfish spoiled brat who acts as if they are too good to take the bus and they look down on people who do.  In a perfect world, in my mind, thats how it is.

Cutting it short as usual, maybe you've felt this way as well, I'm sure its all for a reason, and I'll be better off without a wife and 10 kids.  lol